Updated: Sep 4, 2019
Have you ever had a relationship end without explanation? Just done, finished, see ya!?
Just think back to middle school. Ugh! There’s nothing more painful than that. That boy ignores your phone calls, that girlfriend doesn't respond to texts; they turn away when they see you coming. Ghosted. What a great word to express that experience.
One of my followers recently wrote that she felt “ghosted” when a relationship suddenly ended, no explanation. I could hear the pain of her heart. Where do you go from there?
“What did I do?” we ask. Women especially blame themselves 100% for the break up. We “should” on ourselves: “shoulda done this, shoulda said that.” Why is it that we feel swallowed alive by guilt and grief and then fall into the pit of misery?
Okay, so we probably had a part. And if the same thing keeps happening, then we need to take a serious look at our part - were we disrespectful or unloving? Or were you just hanging around to catch a few crumbs of love and acknowledgment? Maybe you were like me and looking for love in all the wrong places.
My guess is, in hindsight, you can see the red flags all over the place. You just didn't want to know them. I understand that. I've stayed in terrible relationships for far too long myself, just hoping to catch some crumbs here and there.
Aren't you at least worthy of a conversation?
Do you really want this person in your life who can't even give you a conversation about things?
Women are nurturers. And sometimes we stay in relationships way too long because we're insecure and doubt we deserve to be treated better. But we feel it gnawing in our gut. Something just doesn't feel right.
Remember who you belong to? He thinks you're amazing! And He created you for great purpose. Don’t let others decide who or what you are!
Take that hard look at yourself and if it's something you did, change it up. But don't get stuck on it.
And stop running after people who only throw you crumbs!
You deserve so much more!
Remember, we can only change how we respond to things NOT how others respond to us, know what I mean?
Sometimes God closes doors we don’t understand.
He closed the door on my entire family of origin for me, including my mom. I wept about it for over a decade, confused and bewildered, devastated beyond anything I'd ever imagined. But did I really want a relationship with my mom who chose to protect my abuser over me?
Don't get me wrong, it was a very hard thing to come to grips with: my own mother calling me a liar and threatening to sue me. Who's mother does that?
Very broken people, that's who.
Amazing people are born out of closed doors: look at Abby Johnson's journey with Planned Parenthood (if you haven't seen Unplanned it's a must!). What about Lysa Terkeurst's triumph over feeling like she doesn't belong ... this spurred her study Uninvited which is changing people's lives every day. Or how about Ty Bollinger, whose quest for answers about cancer came on the heels of losing several family members to it in a short time, including his mom and dad. Now he's authored The Truth about Cancer, giving us insight and alternatives to heal this epidemic.
I'm not saying that when these doors close it doesn't hurt. In fact, they just might drop us into a deep pit drowning in our tears.
I ugly cried almost every day for a decade and a half after this incident with my mom. I was so stuck in the pit of misery, chasing after family relationships that never supported, encouraged or protected me. Why? Families aren't supposed to be this way. Famililes are supposed to love and support you. But that's just not always true. And I was going after crumbs.
Of course grief is a process and takes time: we are not machines that can turn our emotions on and off like we shut down our cell phones. And sometimes we just need a good cry, for a duration of time. Can that be okay?
Yes, AND don't get stuck there like I did, because God wants to use your pain for someone else's gain. Did you hear me?
Sometimes the pain of my mom’s neglect, abuse and abandonment creeps into my daily life - like when I need a mom hug, a mother/daughter talk, or a mom who’ll help me get through the tangles of life, but she's not there - and I find myself in tears. I give myself permission to cry for a bit, then I turn on the songs that remind me how loved I am, and how I can have joy despite these hardships.
I turn to my husband for comfort, I call my daughter for sweet mother/daughter conversation where I get to be the mom I wish I had. And I ask my amazing friends for help as I meander through the tangles of life.
You are not the helpless child you once were.
You, in fact, are amazing and beyond capable! You have the ability to achieve whatever you set your mind to AND can use your hardships to help others.
See it’s easy to get stuck in the pit, feeling sorry for what we've been through…we hang some pretty little curtains and a cute picture, toss down a sweet little throw rug and bring in a comfy over-sized chair. We sink into our over stuffed chair and clasp our little throw pillow that reads, “Welcome to my misery.”
Friends, I am here to tell you that you are not your misery!
You deserve joy in your life and you can hit the reset button! You are strong! You are bold! You are amazing!
Decide that this person doesn’t deserve you and that you deserve better.
Decide to change it up! It’s hard, I know, I get it. I've been there. AND you can do it!
Take that first step out of the pit.
Find your song and play it when that pit calls your name. My favorites are Joy of the Lord, by Rend Collective and Joy by Jonny Diaz. What’s your go to? If you don't have one get one!
Sometimes God closes a door, and we feel ghosted! But maybe, just maybe, he's protecting you from something.
Move through your grief, get back up, reclaim the joy of your life and find your newfound purpose!